A Festivus For the Rest of Us

Happy Festivus!  The pole has been put up, the feats of strength have been performed, the donations to the Human Fund have all been made.  There's just one thing left to do.  It's time for the airing of grievances.  I've got a lot of problems with you people, and you're gonna hear about them!

• NBA, a lot of things about your league suck, but mainly, your Christmas games aren't special anymore.  That's what happens when there's five of them.  A third of the league is playing on Christmas.  And that Clippers-Warriors game doesn't quite have that cachet that's going to have everyone drop what they're doing to watch it.
• NHL, same goes with you and the "Stadium Series."  Way to take the luster off the Winter Classic.  And, for God's sake, why is there an outdoor hockey game scheduled for Southern California?  Wait, never mind, I'm sure it was 80 degrees and there were plenty of girls in bikinis watching when these guys were learning the game on the frozen ponds of Canada.
• By the way, your new divisions, especially the name "Metropolitan Division," and playoff format are stupid.
• NFL, if it snows in New York on Super Bowl Sunday (which it probably will), it's your own damn fault!  Outdoors.  In New York.  In February.  Did anybody ever actually think this was a good idea?  It wasn't then, and it isn't now.
• FIFA, your seeding process for the World Cup sucks.  You can't tell me that Belgium and Switzerland deserved to be seeded over the Netherlands and Italy.  Or that it's fair to those two nations that they ended up in the groups they got stuck in.
• And everyone has known all along that you shouldn't've let Qatar buy the 2022 World Cup.  Moving it out of the summer isn't quite going to work the way you think it will, either.  The Olympics are in February, so you can't do then.  And you can't really do October because then you're messing with the European season for basically three whole years (and not to mention going against NFL/college football and the baseball playoffs in the U.S.).
• MLB Players, stop with your ridiculous reactions when players appeal PED suspensions.  They've got every right to appeal.  It's in the CBA.  If you were in that situation, you'd be entitled to do the same thing.
• MLB Owners, stop rewarding these same guys with ridiculous long-term deals.  That's the real problem with the joint-drug program.  There's no disincentive if you can serve a 50-game suspension, then go and sign the type of contracts that Melky Cabrera got last year, or Jhonny Peralta and Bartolo Colon got this year.
• Hall of Fame Voters, stop being the only ones who care about past performance-enhancing drug use.  No one seemed to care then, and you have no idea who was doing what and who wasn't.  Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, et al., are all eligible for the Hall of Fame.  You can't pick and choose whose numbers are valid and whose aren't, especially with the guys you only suspect of doing stuff.
• Yankees, stop signing free agent outfielders!  You now have six outfielders on the roster, yet didn't want to trade Gardner for Brandon Phillips.  Who plays second base.  A position you need.  Badly.  How about you forget about 35-year-old outfielders and get something you really need?  Like a starting pitcher and a couple relievers.
• Syracuse, you killed the Big East, and now you're complaining about your schedule in the ACC!  Do me a favor and just shut up.  What did you expect?  You're the ones that wanted to be in a ridiculous 14-team conference.  Suck it up and deal with it.
• ESPN, Tim Tebow hasn't played quarterback in the NFL in two years.  We don't need the daily updates or the weekly speculation that whatever team's quarterback just got hurt will sign him.  I get that Brett Favre's retired so you need someone new to obsess over, but that ship has sailed.
• MSG, when the Knicks and Rangers are both playing, sometimes people want to watch the Rangers.  Move the Knicks over to MSG2 every once in a while!
• Lindsey Vonn, stop trying to ski on your torn ACL.  Unless you don't want to go to Sochi.  There's no benefit on trying to ski on that knee right now (especially since you keep making it worse), and NBC tops the list of those who'll be pretty unhappy if you miss the Olympics.
• Sochi Olympics, there's no need for an extra day.  You have 98 events.  How is it possible that you need 18 days for 98 events, but they only need 17 days for more than 300 events in the Summer Games?  (I'm not counting those two days of soccer games before the Opening Ceremony, which are necessary.)  I don't get it.  Is this all just about having an extra night of figure skating in prime time?

...I lost my train of thought.  It's a Festivus Miracle.  But until you pin me, Festivus isn't over.

Happy Festivus to All, and to All a Good Night!